| New year's resolutions... how they go so far.. |
[Jan. 16th, 2009|02:35 pm] |
1) I have not smoked a cigarette since before xmas eve... so yay I rock= done with that
2) I have not slept with my ex since before new year's.. alright so i haven't really seen him either but whatever... lol my birthday will be the real test, me+lowered inhabitions due to alchol+ no ass in awhile= hopefully no bad decisions.
3) Ummm I've met no boys. No nice boys no mean boys no cute boys no ugly boys no boys.
3)ummmm for girls see above but put in girls in all the place of boys.
4) No dieting for me.. as my last pay checks went to xmas presents and then i got drunk and lost my debit card and then my pay check was pushed back.. but now i have a pay check which means two things.. a)me started ww and b)a keg for my birthday (which will negate much of the dieting lol...if only i was rich enough to get a keg of cider) but R.U. gym will be open again which is good.
5)i got a hair cut and look fucking sexy... see facebook for pics. I gots betty page bangs and they suit me... atleast that's what ppl tell me, for all I know i look like an asshat but i still like the bangs.
6) three more classes and i graduate.. still gots to work on studying/taking a gre class... oh yea and figure out what i want to do for the rest of my life... no pressure
Not sure what else i've acchieved thus far in the year or what else I've resolved so far.. but i'm determinded to make this year better than the last... I dunno if last year sucked or it was just the tale end that made me go crazy.. but must do better |
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| stuff |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|10:31 pm] |
yay no cigaretts in 8 days...go me.. i think i'm done.
Have a scale..been working on eating right, haven't joined weight watchers yet but will by the start of the new year and just got my work schedule so i've got to work in gym time round that.. that is all the good stuff.
Bad stuff.. cannont control my libedo, must stop sleeping with the ex...grrrrr he doesn't aprechiate me and its bad for my self esteem. But well atleast i'm working somewhat on me... any one know any cute boys/girls to distract myself from my ex with?? |
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| In Memory... |
[Dec. 1st, 2008|02:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
Last tuesday my entire fraternity got horrible news. On Monday, Our Brother Randy, aged 22, killed himself. Randy was sweeter than anyother guy you will ever meet. I could fill a whole post about who he was and what he meant to everyone, but that wouldn't be enough. The rows of friends and family at his wake and funeral wouldn't be enough to show you how great a person he was. The only thing I really want to say is... there is never an easy way out. If you ever need me, even if we've lost touch, don't be afraid to get in contact with me. _meghan |
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| eh |
[Nov. 12th, 2008|10:20 pm] |
so it's been like almost 2 weeks since i became single and i can't say i dislike it.. i don't like that i have no closure as he said he wanted to be alone for a couple of months to sort out his feelings, so instead i'm gonna pretend that that door is closed and nothing is going to happen with him ever ever ever again.. cause if I think that way i can move on. If I don't i'm just gonna focus on it for months and months and go crazy. This is hard. I find myself talking to him online and must resist my cuddling and coddling urges towards him.
But i'm not as sad about it anymore. I was really thinking about it and I've spent three years pineing. I've always known that I liked him more and worked under the delusion that if I was the best person i could be and took care of him and compromised and worked that he would like me too. But that's crap! Half the time i spent with him i wanted something different...but still i knew he didn't like me as much but I never never thought he would crush me the way that he did and that sucks.
So now what... well after this weekend (three day party so these resolutions would go out the window if i didn't push it til after then): 1) I will quit smoking.. I had quit smoking the week before all this happend but the stress got to me, 2) I will go to the gym and probably join weight watchers as i have gone up a pant size and feel really uncomfortable about what I look like (not that i was my ideal weight before but its much better than now)..
then there are my resolves for this weekend...1) i will not cry or in any other way freak out and terry (this will be made much harder due to intoxication and consumption of things) 2) I will not sleep/kiss/blow etc this particular boy.. i must tell myself it will not make things back to the way they were, it will not make me feel better no matter how many orgasms i have (this will be a hard goal due to those other reasons but also cause i made him say that he would sleep over my house so i would know that he was not picking up girls at the party cause he wanted to be alone... yea i'm neurotic and stupid.. but he won't be here on thursday so goal= pick up someone mayhaps??)
yeaaaaaaa... i hate my feminine side. I need to sleep with another boy but i would rather be someone i trust but it might help me to just get it out of my system before i see him again but eh... |
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| today |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|12:06 pm] |
Yesterday my pledge class had a reunion. Today I am hungover. That's all I got. |
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| yay? |
[Oct. 31st, 2008|12:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
i got my period which is good... but i have an all white halloween costume which is bad.. and its short and slutty. Damn my luck. |
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| well.. good news |
[Oct. 30th, 2008|09:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
I got really freaked out because well... some people had me convinced that i was mayhaps pregnant because i gained a pants size and yes i really can gain that much weight around my tummy without being pregnant because i took a test and its negative with 75% acuracy, and i'm supposed to get my period in two days... btw ppl way to make me feel even more like a fat ass because now i feel like i look pregnant |
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| not a full update yet but... |
[Oct. 30th, 2008|12:14 am] |
if i am freaking out cause i didn't get my period yet, that doesn't mean tell said boy that i am pregnant. I'm not supposed to get it til the second, i just have bad luck... don't make things worse for me people!!!
That is all... i will not go into what happened last night yet.. i don't feel like it yet.. plus i have to shower. |
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| yay |
[Oct. 28th, 2008|10:09 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | roomates waking me up early | ] |
there is no way my brain can think anymore...and the nair rash just hurts now and is not red and std like.. so yea upside.. today could not possibly be as bad as yesterday. i will get no more bad news today, at least about this.. unless i spend $10 bucks i don't have on a pregnancy test but hey maybe if the boy comes up i'll make him pay for it. I don't really think i'm pregnant, i'd just rather deal with everything i may have to today.
I was gonna tell him lots of shit.... but i think i'll just ask him some questionss. "Do you want to still be with me?" then after that if no, then maybe something about the adult and right way to end a realtionship and how hurtful it is after three years to be just blown off. If yes.. then pry into the othre girl issue, if i don't have to bring it up then I won't because well it makes my heart sink everytime i think about it and if he's gonna be a big bastard, he doesn't deserve to make me cry.
If he still wants me to I still want him? Will I take him back? I can't say. I still have feelings because i am lame so we'll see but one thing is obvious: I can't deal with him having a emotional or mental relationship with a girl so that must end, if that doesn't end then so must we
Also I'm scared shitless to do this so I may turn away from him or hide myface just to ask him questions... its better that then say nothing and cry or ignore the issues and pretend i'm happy.............. yarg... k.. also i have two exams today lame |
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| ranting sad girl |
[Oct. 28th, 2008|01:33 am] |
k.. took a shower.. want to calm down. Didn't work, just made me think and be crazy.. the tatoo was better, it took my mind off things made me feel happy and i have a thing of beauty on my foot.. the shower just made me think and also i now have a rash in my bikini line (not my vag. i'm not stupid.. just the crese by my thighs) cause nair is the devil my legs are fine but not there and now if i get some random hot ass, they may think i have and std.
Horrible thought... know i'm supposed to get my period this week but what if i don't, the way my life is going I'm not gonna get it.. o god.. I know its jumping the gun but mayhaps a pregnancy test just to reassure myself would be good.. Stuipd shower.. wouldn't have thought of such paranias if it wasn't for u.. i took some benadril with hopes to fall alseep and rid myself of the nair rash or maybe just hope that today didn't happen or maybe just that it won't be as bad of a day when i look back at it in hindsight... omg.. it sounds really aweful and nausiating to most but if i wake up in a bit of blood things will be getting much much better... *sigh* that would be really really welcomed... plus that way if my dumb ass self ends up in bed with said boy he can't do anything even if future meghan wants to hahahahhah take that bad decision making future self..
awww i missed heros cause i was getting a tat... |
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| "I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real" |
[Oct. 27th, 2008|11:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hurt by Johnny Cash | ] |
So I just got a bad ass tattoo. Well its not really bad ass, its a really girly looking gold fish and bubbles. Why did i get the tatto, well i was thinking about it for awhile (i wanted the fantasia goldfish for my daddy.. however it was way too much clear fin but this will do) but really i really really really needed the endorphines and well that tattoo really did cheer me to a certain degree.
I am still sad and i have no where else to turn or outlet for my thoughts so thus back to the journal.. to vent if not to get friends of pasts opinions on...
For three years i've been dating this boy, been saddened by this boy, possibly been in love? naw maybe just adored this boy (lost it to this boy.. maybe just hormonal attachment?)... he's smart, really smart, he's someone I admire, who makes me smile, someone who is my friend and deals with the fact that I'm really weird and maybe even fighting the crazy that is in my dreams...
but he's dating, maybe just seeing, more than just fucking a girl..for at least 2 weeks. We're in an open relationship, but i don't know if this is right. I assumed that we were just allowed to fuck other ppl... not date, not introduce to mutual aquaitances.. I feel emotionally cheated on-- that's like way worse that the dirty nasty kind. So maybe he's not being malicous in this, maybe he thought it was ok. But I don't think so. Maybe by some stretch its ok.. but i still feel humiliated that he didn't tell me but my little sister and one of my best friends did, I still feel humiliated that she got to go over his best friend and my big's house and meet him. He's been seeing her for 2 weeks.. he hasn't talked to me in two weeks, I thought his job was hard, his family troubled, maybe he was really sick or something.. I'm not going to be naive... i feel too rejected to not know that he's through with all this. And if he's not then what?
choose me or her? I'll feel worse if he doesn't pick me.. or even worse if he does and I can't bare to let him touch me or things ultimately don't work out cause he felt sorry for me and really wanted her... god i feel like she must be smarter than me, more literate, more savvy to the world of sex, more apt to give blow jobs and shave her legs, less feministic... I didn't want an open relationship. I made many compromises for this boy because i thought that being with him was better than not.. but maybe I would have been better off being a slut for 3 years like everyone else is in college...
I want to walk away to some degree but I am afraid. I do want to have sex with other ppl.. that sounds cool but strangers are scary. I feel comfortable when I cuddle him.. its not always exciting and i never heard i love u but I always felt reassured. I hate myself for not feeling like a strong woman in this situation.. some feminist thought: maybe i am letting myself and my actions rely on him because if i am on my own, and stand on my own, I feel like I will be inatequite?
I'm lame... I don't even know how to date.. *sigh* anyone know any cute boys?? or really cute girls?? or maybe someone I already trust that I haven't thought of to try out in the sack?? The worst thing is I have this sick feeling that despite connections made and feelings shared that maybe I was never more than a fuck buddy to this boy.. that he never saw me as anything more and I've wasted all my time with him... I want to run and hide. I feel hurt. |
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| upon further thinking and emails |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|12:48 am] |
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no strike alot of what i said last post... I just re-read more emails and he broke up with me for the sake of physics and cause he didn't care about my friends that I talked about...stupid physics i knew you were the root of the devil |
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| cleaning up.. being cathartic |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|12:11 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
So here I am sitting at home during spring break and i decide that i have nothing better to do than clean out my email inbox... I have emails from high school still in there... Jesus!! So yea in addition to uploading really old pictures to facebook, I'm sitting here feeling bad that I deleted the emails in which my ex-boyfriend broke up with me (we went on a break in person... stupid breaks).
It's weird that no matter how far I've come from my completely christian self, that I still feel like that was the only relationship that the other person completely loved me. We did nothing but hold hands and eventually make out...but we were alot more intimate in our relationship than I have been in any of my recent ones. Its also weird cause I know that I don't love him anymore yet I'm almost crying reading these emails for the last time. ugh.. I wish I had the capacity to say I love you to my current dude.. but a) I fear he would run and leave me with out all the hot hot sex, and b) I dunno after 3ish years I still think I might just really like him/like palling around with him. But screw it.. atleast these emails will no longer haunt me.. plus the billions of hoh cast lists that I saved for no good reason lol.
eh.. in other news I would like very much to loose my college weight that i have gained... can any of you in my lj friends hook me up with weight watcher materials??? or anything else helpful as I can no longer fit in the jeans (i have always been the same size and this is horribly tramatic.. plus I heart stuffing my face at the dinning hall) Thanks!!! |
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| ...may not gradumakate... |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|09:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
yea i hate exams.. I may drop a class (a class I need in order to graduate on time) in order to not fail it and to save my gpa... grrrrr I have to drop it before the 29th and I feel I have to muster up the courage to convince my mom cause I think she'll be like.. u could maybe pass still just take it anyway. But I doubt i can pull up my pre-cal grade cause I'd need like an a or 2 to pass at this point.
Otherwise I think I'm doing well, if not going crazy. Had an uber hard sensation and perception midterm tonight and tomorrow I have Cognition (which I have barely started studying for because i was studying for the other test).
In other news.. the nazi's invented the sex doll:http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/06/07/153052.php |
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| 50,000 women are beaten a year but i still eat mine plain.. |
[Oct. 10th, 2007|04:57 am] |
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so yea my slogan won but it was too controversal (oh well..I won on some level).. so they tried to make it something else but that was controversal on another level so our slogan was "It went up my nose but i swallowed it anyway... |
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| Please Reply Cause it would be awesome... |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|10:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
So tomorrow at the gamma membership meeting we'll be voting on cup slogans for fall out. Fall out is our 3 day party (halloween weekend ...friday, saturday, and sunday, if anyone is interested in coming let me know) where to pay for it we sell reusable plastic tumblers (we also do this for nuclear waste, which is our 3 day party in the spring). So what I want help in is thinking up a slogan that is really funny to go on the cup (the whole membership suggests things and then it is voted on.. but honestly I didn't hear anything really funny so I figured that lots of my livejournal friends have sick and twisted senses of humor so someone here might have something that I could suggest).
To give you an idea of what I am going for here are some examples of cup slogans since I've been at gamma:
Feel the Love...All over your face
I'll have what the man on the floor is having
If I knew it was your mom I would have called her back!
Tell me when you start to feel uncomfortable.
Don't make me choke, I'm about to swallow.
I can still see the coat hanger scar on your forehead!
Slogans are generally in bad taste but hilarious. They cannot have curses on them or say things like drink, drinking, beer etc. They also have to be short enough to fit on a cup. Any ideas??? My only idea so far is not that funny but I might suggest it anyway "50,000 women a year are battered, but I still eat mine plain." yea... I don't think that will work lol so if u think of anything comment me before 9 pm tomorrow. |
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| some pictures |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|03:00 am] |
Here's some pictures of my boy and I... just cause he's cute lol.. (and also cause he doesn't know about this journal hehe sucker)
us when we went camping on an island
us at a gay gay wedding
us cracked out from a night of partying and snuggling on a roof.
sorry if this is image ladeden or heavy on the friend's list space.. but i never post so uhhh I'm making up for all the space I could have taken before |
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